Sol (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} solfood) wrote,@ 2008-01-09 23:37:00 |
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midnight musings
ah, the first post in a new year. not that it means much to me. I believe I spent New Year's Eve playing video games with X. it's a ridiculous holiday anyway. i mock it. i mock it here. you hear that new year's eve? you have just been mocked. commence weeping.
for some unknown reason i have been reading old posts of mine, perhaps because i am just that darn introverted. regardless, it made me think about how i have changed, and how i have stayed the same. if i had to use a word to describe the change i might choose "tempered". i was more naive back then (not to say i am not naive now, just more so then). these days i have a deeper reliance on God, transcending emotion rather than almost fully based on it. the changes are hard to pinpoint, but i can feel them by seeing, through his words, how my younger self thought.
also, that which i once thought dead has been rekindled. the flame of life has been restored in me over the last year. it took much pain and healing, time and reflection, but after more than four years I think my heart is fully healed, and dead set on not repeating the mistakes of the past. that is not to say that i simply love work and life (being melancholy at times is a part of who i am), but i have come to put my hope in Christ as best I can and it has done wonders.
I think a large part of the reason I write here is to keep a record that I can look back on in later years and see what I was, to reflect on that. Well, also to perhaps foolishly pour part of my heart into a public forum. Something in me doesn't want to lose track of what I am now, this day. They want to live on, the thoughts that I have. My memory is quite poor, so I write. I wish I wrote more. It is as if i cannot even keep my own story of where i have been straight in my head. i fear i would be hopelessly lost without God to remember my life for me and look after this oft-confused sheep. Any good i have ever done i attribute to Him. Any capacity I have for emotional depth wells up from Him, He is its source. He is in every way my strength. I thank Him for every day He gives me on this world, from miserable to joyous, from confused and embarrassed to safe and secure. Every day is another gift from Him in part of this grand story He is weaving. I wouldn't miss it for the world.
ah, the first post in a new year. not that it means much to me. I believe I spent New Year's Eve playing video games with X. it's a ridiculous holiday anyway. i mock it. i mock it here. you hear that new year's eve? you have just been mocked. commence weeping.
for some unknown reason i have been reading old posts of mine, perhaps because i am just that darn introverted. regardless, it made me think about how i have changed, and how i have stayed the same. if i had to use a word to describe the change i might choose "tempered". i was more naive back then (not to say i am not naive now, just more so then). these days i have a deeper reliance on God, transcending emotion rather than almost fully based on it. the changes are hard to pinpoint, but i can feel them by seeing, through his words, how my younger self thought.
also, that which i once thought dead has been rekindled. the flame of life has been restored in me over the last year. it took much pain and healing, time and reflection, but after more than four years I think my heart is fully healed, and dead set on not repeating the mistakes of the past. that is not to say that i simply love work and life (being melancholy at times is a part of who i am), but i have come to put my hope in Christ as best I can and it has done wonders.
I think a large part of the reason I write here is to keep a record that I can look back on in later years and see what I was, to reflect on that. Well, also to perhaps foolishly pour part of my heart into a public forum. Something in me doesn't want to lose track of what I am now, this day. They want to live on, the thoughts that I have. My memory is quite poor, so I write. I wish I wrote more. It is as if i cannot even keep my own story of where i have been straight in my head. i fear i would be hopelessly lost without God to remember my life for me and look after this oft-confused sheep. Any good i have ever done i attribute to Him. Any capacity I have for emotional depth wells up from Him, He is its source. He is in every way my strength. I thank Him for every day He gives me on this world, from miserable to joyous, from confused and embarrassed to safe and secure. Every day is another gift from Him in part of this grand story He is weaving. I wouldn't miss it for the world.
